A Warm Cup of Assholes


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Spoken word poetry with music - made entirely on iPhones.
Please be advised - this has adult content.


released July 22, 2014



all rights reserved


BJSvMJC Melbourne, Australia

A Warm Cup of Assholes is a collaboration between poet Ben John Smith and musician Michael James Christian.

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Track Name: Kiwi Fruit
D’Arne is a firm believer
that it’s a lack of
that makes
a heavy period.

I have been bleeding
for months.

Like a scarlet
kiwi fruit.

Only out of my brain,
and into the Olivetti.

Out of my brain,
but still
from a dirty
Track Name: Broke Spine
I get really stressed that Kim Kardashian
might not get along with Beyoncé
and maybe her and Jay Z feel awkward about it

I stayed in bed til 3pm watching the Ray J
Sex tape on repeat but I didn’t wank
Cause that would
Be like
Fucking a friend’s

I’m comfortable
knowing I have no desire to change.

I’ll be a loser forever.

If I could change one thing about my wife it would be that she
Would wear my jumpers around the house more often;

She would never need to wear a bra
if I ruled the world.

I never understand people who take a newspaper
to the toilet

I haven’t had a solid shit since 1995

but I’m also a compulsive liar

I knew a guy who got so drunk he told me he once
spread his ass cheeks in the bath and swayed back and forth

to see what it would
feel like to be a woman
having sex

that drunk guy was me;

the bath
was my mum’s house

She comes home
and I’m watching two men suck each
other off on TV

its a movie called
“Strangers by the Lake”

and it has subtitles so
it must be art.
Track Name: Broke Spine 2
I keep some
xanax and valium in a multivitamin canister
with the word


written on it.

On my sister’s Google History
It has

How to lose Weight from your feet

She confuses me very much.
I say

“I’m sorry
I was drunk
all them years”

and she says


I say

“I let the sadness take over

and it helped me write
a lot.”

She rolls over in bed
and I say

“thank you
for looking after me”

She has fallen
back asleep

I don’t care if I never write
a poem again.

I knew the wine
would get me

I broke my spine after falling
Three stories onto a flight of stairs.

It hurts to sneeze
But not to cum

Vanessa de Rio
Will agree with me
On that one

And after three months in hospital and
laying in bed

I’m recovered and sitting here trying to Learn Spanish

From a site that uses a Sword fighting Cat as an

Two screens
Of this going
At once.

If this is how i will be
spending my time maybe i would have
been better off dead.

She had dry sockets in her
Mouth but not in her pussy.

never that;

No way, Never That.

The only
I have
Is leg
Ham (x3)

Instead Of licking my lips to turn the page with ease

I poke my finger Into the eye of my penis
And roll the foreskin
Around my
First knuckle.

The page turns
With ease.

I’m on a kindle

All of this,

and I’m not sure about it just yet,

but I know for fact that I would be 150 percent more
of an artist if I could speak French.


I hear my friend
in the kitchen say;

"I'll give you
fifty cents for an egg you

And I think




All the words
In all the languages
are worthless
when you break it down


Track Name: DMV
With half a fat
I read Henry Miller
next to a pregnant woman
and a black fella
covered with lice.

I keep my head down and read.

I'm afraid someone
is going to stab me in the back
and I will feel the most amazing pain.

I can see it all happening in my head.

On the floor,
bleeding to death.
My ticket number
next to my hand.

My jeans poked out,
with a semi-boner.

And the bird behind the counter saying,

“Ticket 179?”

“Ticket 179?”

Over and over.

“Ticket 179?”
Track Name: Foreskin
I push the end,
the tip,
of my foreskin
into the opening
of my beer bottle.
Of course it’s a strange thing to do.
Especially when I take
my next sip.
my dick has been here.
Its skin
on the glass.
Like a bulldog on an ice cream.
My dick has been here.
It makes sense.
My mum won’t let me buy a mouse
because she says they smell bad.
D’Arne is pretending to be sick.
It doesn’t make sense.
Nothing makes sense.
That’s why I do these silly things,
and tell you all about them.
Track Name: Honest Liar
Ever since I started
taking Prozac I
can't wank.

It's ruined
my favorite

made me relaxed
about it.

I know I should
miss playing with my knob
but I'm apathetic ;

I go from watching 6 minutes
of suicide videos

to red tube

and back again.


Put on some socks,

look for my thongs;
and then realize
I'm an asshole.

I had a dream that
a Chinese man was
on television
making a trek to
a holy land

all the while
he was cutting off
parts of his face
and turning it
into a mask.

The scabs would heal
just enough so that he could
continue living
and walking

but his
all came off
with the skin

and looked like
the head of a
shaved Barbie doll.

When he arrived his face
was a horrible

soupy mess,

like a casserole.

He bent down,
put the mask of his face
onto the head of a monkey
and fell down

News reporters and
media crews
still filming away
like a hive of angry bees.

The monkey looked
kinda pretty
perched on his rock

His new face
just a shimmer
of pink and red
in the popping
bulbs of cameras and
police cars.

I have a girl friend.

I rub her feet
into my face
with hand cream
and watch the little
man waddle around the
television flat

Bigger on my
big ass television
than he is
in real life.

I line the knob of my cock
upwith his face ;

you know,

the way photographers
frame things with
their fingers.

Still bigger.

He says he feels lucky
and I feel good


I put a small electric
fan onto her toe nail
and buff it with
it's middle.

She says

"Please don’t hurt me."

but I can't make promises
I won't keep
so I
put the fan
back in my pocket.

When I take a piss
I play the flush buttons
like they are a piano.

Hand above my head
and two fingers
bouncing on the keys,

my dick in the middle

"How the fuck
did I get to
be in this position.

What did I ever do
so terribly

I usually eat tinned soup
even when I can
afford something
much better.

I live at this low
so I can enjoy the highs and
not make other people think
I'm a smug little prick.

It's very important for me
to stay grounded

Even when
I'm just a

who is desperate
to be liked;

you know

underneath it all.

I have a blog.

I think,
that says enough.
Track Name: Shiraz Shit Dick
My shit smells like shiraz x3

Have you ever had diohreras so bad that
you shit on your own dick a bit (in variancy)
Track Name: Handed
Get fit
with smooth
hairless skin
and fuck
dumb busty blondes
in Ferrari's

Study 12 hours a day
and earn 500k
a year

make your parents proud

be kind
loose weight
read books
dont go on a school shooting spree...

and then


in a car accident
listening to
Britney Spears
updating your FB

Your last words;

people are all so much
stupider than

Words truly
of an

finally your one true poem
Track Name: Hhhhh
She says
I don’t support her
in any thing she does;

But tonight I have had
three phone calls
asking how she can
a you tube video
from a power point

Before the phone rang
The first time,
I was stumbling around
my bedroom
dancing with a
polystyrene head.

a fedora and
high heels;
drunken wobbly legs.

I turn down the music.
I give her the instructions.

I Un-do my brazier.

You crazy bitch,

I can hardly support
Track Name: The Shoot
Porn often ends
in a one woman
against he world
of man.

Blowing warm,
white chunks
and spitting spoof
at the camera.

Crying out Shit,

“Fuck me in my ass
you piece of shit!
fuck me in my ass.”

It always reminds me of
Mac Beth
and V.Wolfe
and Maggie Thatcher;

Or the first time
I ever pre-cummed
or couldn’t get
hard cause I was
too drunk.

A woman

“You piece of shit,
You fucking piece of shit,
Fuck me in my ass.”

Honey still dripping
out of her reamed out
dick hole.
Track Name: Barber
The Armenian barber
Cuts my hair for
20 bucks
And pulls hair
Outta my nose with wax
I tell him I'm getting
Married on sat
And he puts his hand
On my shoulder and smiles
For a long time.
When I leave he gives
Me a plastic comb
As a wedding gift
Track Name: Fucking In Tents
He was introducing his new girl friend to his group of friends and without meaning to he made the situation immediately un-comfortable. He said; "Isn't she pretty". His face flushed red and she excused herself to the bath room while the rest of the party dug into bowls of potato crisps. In the bath room he said to a man washing his hands - "I always do that, I'm Sorry, i make things awkward all the time. I wish I had a..a ..a" trying to find the words he swung two fingers around in small swirling circles beside each other. The man, not knowing what to say asked if the word he was looking for was "time machine?"

Adjusting his belt, a leather belt with dice on the buckle, he said "No, I mean to say a double barrel shot gun"

Someone eating a curry on a bench in Jacana that night thought the dull boom was a single fire work, and he smiled to himself. She was the prettiest woman he had ever seen.